They'll Be Back
by foppet1
Summary: What I think should have happened in the Fifth book. Warning: there will be some minor character bashing, but nothing serious. Some crude humor, T just to be safe. I know it's not too good but please RR
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer- Their chains are still mine! They belong to me!... ok that was a huge lie but hey, a girl can dream can't she? Anyway, they don't belong to me, I simply make them do embarrassing things.**

**Summery- What would have happened if Harry had defeated Voldemort in his Fifth year, picking up right where Harry kills him? Heres how I see it...**

**They're Back**

**(The Ministry, the room with the Vile in it. A/N: I know this is not where Voldemort was but it is the only way I can make my story work)**

**Harry thought fast as he had an open moment when Voldemort wasn't looking. 'What would Sirius do? What would he do? Think!'. He smacked himself in the head, accidently poking his eye with his wand. 'Note to self', he thought, 'don't do that again'. Then it hit him.**

**He quickly conjured up a blond wig, lip stick, two oranges, a bra and a pink dress. He pulled the bra on over his robes and stuffed the oranges down into it, shoved the dress over his body, threw on the wig and smeared lipstick on his lips. The looked around the statue he was hiding behind and saw Voldemort standing there, looking lost in the comotion of the duels raging around him. **

**Harry stepped out from his hiding place and tried to lean aginst the statue in a sexy pose. "Youuuuuu-hooooooo", he cooed in a high pitched voice, walking towards Voldemort, who looked at him and his eyes lit up. "Could you point a girl in the right direction of the Little girl's room?", Harry smiled. **

**"Yes, ma'me", Voldemort smiled his snakey smile, "it's right over there", he pointed to the left side of the room. "Would you like me to escort you?", he wiggled his eye brows at Harry, not know it was Harry, of course. **

**"Why", Harry said in his high pitched girly voice, "I would just love that". Voldemort offered his arm and Harry took it. When they were close enough to the Vile, he pushed Voldemort through, and giggled like the little girl he was pretending to be. **

**Everything stopped. All motion ended. Lupin was walking toward Harry, then Bellatrix tripped him and sent him flying into the Vile. **

**"Well, that sucks!", Tonks yelled at Bellitrix, "why'd you do that?". "The narrator told me to," Bellatrix shrugged. Tonks glarred up at the girl writing this story. "Why did you tell her to kill the man I love?", she demanded. (A/N: I just threw that in from the sixth book, so sue me!)**

**"Because," came the mighty narrator's voice, "it might be necessary for the story to continue. So stop complaining, or I'll have Luna hug you!".**

**Tonks backed off, "okey, okey, I didn't love him that much".**

**Luna looked to Ginny, "I hate clouds!", Ginny looked at her as she nodded gravely, eyes wide. **

**"I'm happy for you, Luna", she tried to smile, but failed.**

**Dumbledor came in, licking one of those huge suckers you get from candy shops. "Am I late?", he asked, looking around. All the Death Eaters had run away when they saw Harry in his disguise, except Bellatrix, who was busy trying to army crawl out of the room. "Ah, no no!", Dumbledor smiled, "I have plans for you! You can sort out my Ferbie collection!", he pulled Bellatrix to her feet.**

**Flash back**

**Dumbledor sat in his office with all his Ferbies, trying to name all six hundred he had. "So, you seven will be Sneezy, Dopey, Doc, Sleepy, Bashful-". **

**"You're stealing those names from Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs", one of the Ferbies squeaked at him.**

**"NO!", Dumbledor yelled in anger, "WALT DISNEY STOLE THOSE NAMES FROM ME! THEY'RE MINE! ALL MINE!".**

**"No, they're not", the same Ferbie said simply.**

**Dumbledor picked up the Ferbie and threw it out the window, then went back to naming the ones who wern't so insensitive to his feelings.**

**End Flash back**

**"Yes," Dumbledor smiled, "you can finish naming them as well"**

**"NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!", wailed Bellatrix at the narrator, "why do you torment me so?".**

**"Because I don't like you!", the narrator blew a raspberry at Bellatrix, then laughed maniacly, "MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"**

**I know it sucks, but please tell me what you think.**

**The story will make more sense as I update.**

**Until we meet again,**

**Foppet1**


	2. They're goneor are they?

**Disclaimer- same thing I said in chapter one...(sigh)**

**A/N: Thanks to those who reviewed, and I'll try not to have it make too much sense.**

**On with the show**

**Ch.2**

**They're gone... or are they?**

**Dumbledor spun in a circle. "Where is Harry?", he said, still spinning. "I'm right here, Professor", said Harry, pulling off his wig, tears going down his face. "Oh, there you are", Dumbledor stopped spinning and tried to walk to Harry, but he stumbled over his robes because he was dizzy. When he finaly got over to Harry, he patted his shoulder. "It's all right, Harry," he said, seriously, still holding his sucker, "we all sopport your decision to change yourself", he nodded at the dress and Harry's newly found boobies. **

**"They're not real, Professor", he frowned. "Well, I didn't think they were", Dumbledor agreed, "otherwise you wouldn't have had to have your change". "ARG!", Harry yelled in anger, throwing off his dress and the bra with the oranges, "I didn't get a sex change!". **

**Dumbledor nodded. "Well then," he went on, "I'm sure you noticed that both Sirius and Remus have fallen behind the Vile". At this, Harry burst out into tears and callapsed to the floor. "They're gone, Harry", Dumbledor said over his cries, "just like your mum and dad. Just like the bird I hit on my way here. Just like yesterday. Just like this bug," he squishes a bug next to Harry's head. "Hmmmmm... what else is gone?...Oh, heres a bright one, just like Voldemort!". (A/N: I know Dumbledor sounds mean but it's just a joke and he is not thinking before talking) **

**Harry looked up, "I guess you're right", he sniffed. **

**Then, out of nowhere, a huge bang erupted and smoke filled the room. "Gods, Ron!", came Hermione's voice, "what do you say?". "It wasn't me that time!", Ron's voice yelled, "I swear!". "Did anyone notice," came the dreamy voice of Luna, "that the room is filled with smoke?". "Thank you, captin obvious!", Ginny yelled, then a smack was heard. "Ouch!", Neville whined, "what was that for?". "Sorry, I thought you were Luna", Ginny said truthfully. **

**"Is it just me," came a new voice, yet it was still firmiliar, "or is there more people besides us in here?". "You really are stupid, Padfoot", Harry knew that voice, but it couldn't be. It sounded like James Potter when he'd been Harry's age. And the other had sounded like Sirius, then... "I dropped my chocolate bar!", that sounded like Lupin. "It's okey, Remus," that sounded like teenage Lily, "I have one you can have". "Thanks, Lily", Lupin sounded happier now. **

**Dumbledor whispered a charm and a giant vacume came out of nowhere and sucked up all the smoke. **

**Everyone gasped, except Luna, who was busy beeping her own nose for her amusment. **

**In the middle of the room stood four teenagers. Four teenagers who looked like young Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter and Lily (now) Evans when they were almost sixteen. Lily looked wildly around, "are we dead?". "Not anymore", Ron mumbled, and Hermione stepped on his foot. **

**"No," said Dumbledor, "you are not dead. You were simply... uh... um... SLEEP WALKING! Yes, you were sleep walking", he looked very proud of himself. "Okey, Professor", Lily nodded happily, "but who are they?", she pointed to Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, Luna, and Bellatrix, who was huddled in the floor, sucking her thumb at the thought of all the Ferbies that awaited her. **

**"Why does he look like James?", Lupin said curiously. James went over to Harry, who had gotten to his feet, and examined his face. They were about half an inch apart. "You are a good looking devil, arn't you?", he grinned, "just like me. But you should do this," he ruffled Harry's hair. Lily rolled her eyes. "This is Harry... uh", Dumbledor had to think again, "Harry... um... Pooter! Yes, thats it. And he's your fifth cousin, three times removed, on your father's side", another proud look. **

**"Nice to meet you", James smiled at Harry. "Same here", Harry nodded. "Those two ugly mates over there are Sirius Black and Remus Lupin", they nodded, "and that beautiful creature over there is Lily Evans". A shoe hit James in the head, complements of Lily, who had taken it from Sirius' foot. **

**Harry introduced every one except Bellatrix, who Dumbledor said was his new Ferbie friend. **

**"How do we get out of here?", Ron asked. "Well, of course, Ronald", Hermione sighed, "we go through the wall". She ran full speed at the wall and... smacked into it. "Owie", she squeaked. "Or we use the door", Ginny suggested, gesturing to the door. "Well, if you want to take the easy way out", Hermione grumped. James ran to the door and tried to pull it open, the handle turned, but it wouldn't open. "Why won't it open?", he grunted, both feet on the door, pulling the doornob. **

**"YOU BROKE IT!", Lily screeched, kicking James in the but then pouncing on him, pulling his hair, "I'll rip your head off!". "No need to do that, Lily", Remus pulled her off and shoved some chocolate in her mouth. "Better?", he smiled at her. "Mmhmm", Lily nodded slowly. **

**"Did it ever occur to you," Sirius said, "to turn the handle the other way?". He did so, and the door opened. Everyone shrugged. Dumbledor threw Bellatrix over his shoulder, (don't know how he managed it). "Follow me", he said bravely, leading the way out of the door. They went out of the Ministry, down the streets of London, past the hobo peeing on the wall, through Paris. It wasn't until they were hacking their way through the wilds of Africa that Lily spoke. "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Todo", she said to her leaf, which she named Todo. "We don't live in Kansas", the leaf said and smacked her in the face and blew away in the wind. "Perhaps we should just use a port-key", Dumbledor grunted, still carrying Bellatrix over his shoulder. **

**He pointed his wand at a stick and said some kind of spell. Everyone grabbed it and they were spinning off to Hogwarts. **

**When they landed, they stood in front of the school.  
"Home sweet home", Dumbledor sighed, and they began to walk up to the castle.**

**Well there it is. Chapter two. You know the drill R/R**

**Until next chapter**

**Foppet1**


	3. AN

**A/N: I have had a few comments on my spelling and stuff, and I wish to appoligise (see? I told you I can't spell) I will update as soon as I can, which should be tomarrow.**

**Foppet1**


	4. What new students?

**Disclaimer-not mine, never will be (sadly), too bad, so sad**

**Once again I cannot spell so please excuse my spelling mistakes, I do not have spell check**

**On with the story**

**What new students?**

Dumbledor leads them into the school, still carrying Bellatrix. Though as they pass Hagrid's vegie patch, he threw her down, crying out "carrots! I love carrots!". He ran and began trying to pull up one of the huge carrots.

"I think he's finaly lost it", James whispered to Sirius, and Lily smacked him again. He rubs his head, grinning, "you know you love me". She rolled her eyes and stomps off toward the castle.

"Smooth, Prongs", Remus giggles, "you really won her over". James lunged for him and he began running towards the school, James still hot on his heels, Sirius not far behind.

Luna shrieks and screams, running in circles. "The dust bunnies are coming! I knew it! We must get an enormus pool of green jello to protect us! I'll go find one! Don't worry!", she adds running in the direction of the quidditch pitch, "I'll save us all!".

"Hey!", Harry whined, "it's my job save everyone!" He crossed his arms and pouted like a little three year old boy. "She's stealing my thunder! I should be finding the pool of jello! And everyone knows dust bunnies hate blue jello, not green!"

Hermione puckers her lips and pinches Harry's cheek. "Hey, mister grumpy butt", she says in a voice like she is talking to a baby, "when life gets you down, you know what you gotta do? Just keep reading!". She whips out a copy of 'Theres a Monster at the End of This Book', starring 'Furry loveable Grover from Sesime street'. "This is one of my favorite books of all time. It always makes me smile". She hands it to Harry. Who looks at it and sniffs.

"Thank you, Hermione", he smiled.

"YES!" Dumbledor yelled, finaly succeding in pulling out one of the monster sized carrots. "It's mine! All mine! Mwhahahahahahahahahahaha". A cute little bunny hops over and sniffs the carrot. "NO!" he yelled, holding the carrot over his head, "it's mine I tell you! Back, Demon Bunny!" He ran toward the castle, tripping over his beard multiple times.

Ginny looked around. Ron was beeping his nose for his amusement, Hermione was sitting on the ground with Harry reading the book to him, making different voices, even though the only one who talks in the book is Grover. 'Am I the only sane person in this school?' she thinks to herself. She looks over to the lake where some boys were skinny dipping. She looks over to the Forbidden Forest and sees Pansy Parkinson poking a flesh-eating slug with as stick, giggiling to herself. 'Yep,' she decided, 'I alone, Ginny Weasley, am the one truly sane person in this school'... she then jumps onto a boulder and stands like wonder woman. "I am Ginny Weasley, hear me roar!" she smirks down at her friends, "bow to me! Kiss my feet! Draw my bathwater! Clip my toe nails!(A/N: sorry I couldn't resist)"

Harry, Ron and Hermione look up at her. "Now that I have your attention", she frowns, "we should get to dinner about now". They all agreed and the four friends started toward the castle.

Hermione stops suddenly, "where's Neville?" she asks.

In the wilds of Madagasscar:

Neville stands in the middle of a clearing, terrified. Animals could be coming from anywhere. "This really sucks", he squeaks.

Back at Hogwarts:

"I think he went to dinner already", Harry said.

They all shrugged and continued walking. When they reached the Great Hall, they saw Dumbledor sitting at his seat, the huge carrot steaming on a plate in front of him. As they took their seats by James, Sirius, Remus and Lily, everyone was starring at them.

"What are they looking at?", Lily whispered to Ginny, "do I have something in my teeth? Or sticking out of my head! Oh my God! Was I stabbed with a Fluffy Bunny Sword of Doom?"

"Nnnnnnnnnnoooooooo", Ginny shook her head. She'd really thought Harry's mother would be smarter then this.

Dumbledor stood up. "First of all," he called out, "we have four new students in Gryffendor, whoes names are not important. Professor Umbrige is to be resigned, and a good friend of mine will be taking over her position", he gestured to his left... a giant Furby.

"You happy see me? Hmm?" it said.

"Of course we are", Dumbledor smiled, "and in other news... Voldemort is dead, and we're all free! Now, shut up and let me enjoy my carrot". He sat down and dug into his food.

"What new students?", James said, looking around.

I know this was a shorter chapter, but I have to write a short story for my English class. Please R/R


	5. Author's Note

**A/N: Okey, I really want to know what you all think of this. I am having a lot of fun writing it. It seems to be going good. I will update as soon as possible. I have school work big time, and my teachers suck. Please be patiant, I am working on the new chapter.**

**Foppet1**


	6. The First Day Part 1

**Disclaimer- Blah, Blah, Blah, they're not mine, so, on with the story**

**A/N: I have my own nickname for Snape that I like better and I can remember how to spell, so sorry to disappoint you. This is also just part one of the chapter. So, pht!**

**The first day-part 1**

It was the first day of classes for the "new students", and Harry was worried to death. Not about the fact that James, Remus, Sirius and Lily would probably notice that Snape was their Potions Professor, but the fact that Luna had managed to dig a hole deep enough and filled it with green jello to save them from the dreaded Dust Bunnies. His thunder was being stolen by some wierdo Ravenclaw with freaky eyes and blond hair! Needless to say, he was sad and angry. He was up early enough to spend about an hour looking out the window and mutter to himself about how he should be the one saving them. Then he realized. It wasn't a hole Luna had dug. It was the lake! "I'm gonna tellllllllllll!", he sneered to no one in particular.

Meanwhile in Dumbledore's office:

"I don't wanna!", Snape whined, stomping his feet like the big baby he was. "It's not fair! Not fair! Not fair! Not fair! NOT FAIR!", he cried, jumping up and down. Dumbledore was sitting at his desk and changing his new Furby's diper and talking to it.

"Did you make a stinky?", he said in a babyish manner, "did you make a little stinky for me to clean up! Yes you did!" He looked up at the pouting Snape, "he was just born yesterday. His little box was wrapped in blue paper when the stork dropped him off". He stopped for a minute to fasten the Furby's diper, then set him in a small bassenet. "And you don't have any choice. Things must appear as they used to be".

"But who will teach Potions?", Snape stuck out his lip as he dropped into a chair, arms folded.

"Well," Dumbledore smiled happily, "Professor Berry will". At that moment, an extreamly old woman walked in wearing a black hat with a stuffed penguin on the top of it, a black dress, and black granny boots. Everytime she took a step, the boots yelled out in pain.

"Shut up!", the woman snapped at the boots, "I paid good money for you back in 1924! The least you could do is shut up". And the boots were silent. The old woman shook her head and looked back up. "Well, well, well, if it isn't Mr. Snape all growed up." She grinned. She only had three teeth!

"I don't wanna be a teenager again!" Snape whined, "I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I DON'T WANNA!"

Dumbledore looked up from his slumbering furby. "You'll take the

potion and like it!" he snapped. "Look at it this way," he added in a kinder voice, "you get a second chance at life. Since you failed so miserably at it the first time."

Snape looked at the bottle on Dumbledore's desk and picked it up. Taking off the lid, he whimpered and drank it quickly.

He began to shrink, little by little, until he was in the form of his fifteen year old self. "This sucks", he glarred.

Professor Berry gasped. "Potty mouth! Oh, that is six points from Slytherin, Mr. Snape!"

Snape groaned and looked at Dumbledore, who was fastening a blet around a stack of books and handing them to him with an apple.

"Now, play nice, and be a good boy", he patted Snape on the head and sent him out of the room.

As Snape walked down the halls, he thought. 'This school is full of idiots!' At that moment, Harry came running around the corner, mumbling something about the lake, green jello and Luna being in trouble. He just kept running, not noticing Snape.

"Just like old times!" he scowled, "no one notices me, and now I won't be able to go to the ball and dance with the prince."

Just then, the writer of this story called out from the far reachings of nowhereness. "THE PRINCE WOULDN'T DANCE WITH YOU ANYWAY! HE'S NOT GAY! NOT EVEN ELPHABA (aka the wicked witch of the west) WOULD DANCE WITH YOU! EVEN HARRY THINKS JELLO IS MORE IMPORTANT THE YOU!"

Snape sniffed and mumbled something about the writer being a jerk.

This was gonna be a long day.

**Okey, so that was part one, part two is coming up. So Review and it might be up within 24 hours. **


	7. The First day part 2

**I am so sorry it took so long for me to update! Stupid school is getting in the way! Well heres part II!**

**The first day- Part II**

**Snape finished his whining and went to breakfast. He sat down at the end of the table and snarled at a bowl of oranges. Don't ask why... he must have thought they were mocking him. He's just dumb that way. As he was think of blowing up the bowl of oranges, Pansy Parkinson sat next to him, an evil smirk on her face. (Though she probably thought it was a kind smile)**

**"Hey, are you new?" she asked. "I haven't seen you before."**

**"No," he shook his head, "I've been here for five years. I just keep to myself." He didn't even look at her, so he couldn't see that she was pulling a card out of her robes from her bra, like the hussy she was. **

**"Well," she said kindly, "if you ever need company, just find the passage behind the portrait of Agneus Blacktooth. My girls will be waiting." She put her hand under his chin and made him look at her, gave a wink and put the card on the table. **

**Snape picked up the card and read it.**

**"Madame Pansy M. Parkinson**

**House of Pleasure**

**All Slytherins welcome**

**Don't stress when you have us"**

**He shuddered, but put the card in his pocket. He was kinda freaked out that one of his former students was already a Madame of a whore house. (AN/ sorry, I couldn't resist the whore house thing. It just popped into my mind)**

**Meanwhile...**

**James, Sirius and Remus were walking through the school on their way to breakfast. "Wheres Peter?" Sirius asked out of nowhere.**

**"I don't know," James said, while checking his reflection in his portable mirror that talked to him. **

**"You look the same as everyday!" it yelled at him. "Don't you dare ask!" The mirror jumped down from his hand and wobbled away as fast as it could. It must have been sick of James. **

**"Maybe he was eaten by the giant squid", Remus said urgently. **

**They all exchanged looks... then shrugged. **

**As they walked into the Great Hall, they saw none other then they're favorite object of entertainment... Severus Snape. Well, James and Sirius' favorite, Remus didn't really do anything. He just hung back and watched. **

**"Well, if it isn't Snapelit!" Sirius grinned evily. "Look, James", he chuckled, "Snapelit is all red. Why is that?" he added, looking at Snape. **

**"I'm not," he snarled, "leave me alone!" **

**"But we don't wanna leave you alone," James looked hurt, "its been a while since we've talked." He pulled out his wand...**

**Later in the hospital wing**

**James lay on one of the beds, covered in orange pieces. Snape had jumped out ot the way, the spell hit the bowl of oranges and he ran off to his first class. Sirius, out of the goodness of his heart, volenteered to miss ALL of his classes and stay with James to make sure he wouldn't go blind from the abundence of orange juice that had squirt into James' eyes. **

**Meanwhile, in Defense Aginst the Dark Arts, war raged on as Professor Furby asked questions. He wasn't asking anything that had to do with DADA! He kept asking if the students were his "friends"! The students were scared for their innocence.**

**"CHILD MELESTOR!" screamed Pavartie, throwing her books at the giant fuby. **

**"You happy, see me? hmmm?" asked Furby. **

**"NO!" the class yelled, and ran from the class room to seek shelter from the rapeist Furby. The only place they were safe now was... the lake of green jello.**

**When they reached it, Luna was standing on a small island she made out of gramcrackers, smirking. "I told you only the jello would save us all!" she boasted. "I am the smart one! Now you will be the ones who will suffer! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" With that, she jumped into the lake of jello and began swimming. **

**The students begged for shelter. She finaly gave in... but only on one condition...**

**Two hours later**

**Luna sits on a huge winged throne, placed majesticaly on the ghramcracker island and all the other students danced around her. Hailing her presence, and exahulting her name. **

**Luna sighed and smiled to herself. "Life is good", she confirmed with her radish earings. Though her victory was short lived as Harry came storming down to the lake, dragging Dumbledor behind him. Ranting and raving all the way.**

**"She filled the lake with green jello! Its not fair ! I'M the hero! Mememememememememe! ME! It's not fair professor! Not fair at all!" They stopped about six feet from the lake (well, jello), and Harry looked very pleased with himself. **

**Dumbledor looked very annoyed at... Harry! He smacked him upside the head and snapped. "Thats for tattle-tailing! You should know better! Bad Harry! Very, very bad Harry!" **

**Harry looked sad, because he was no longer the loved hero. He sat and cried in his self pitty. **

**Meanwhile: in the Gryfendor common room**

**Lily didn't rush down to the lake; for she was deathly alergic to green jello. Insted, she sat in an arm chair reading a book, entitled "What to do when a Giant Furby Wants to you to be his 'Friend'" She figured, if she couldn't seek shelter with everyone else, she would do research on a way to protect herself. **

**As she turned the page, James and Sirius walked in. James ruffled his hair and leaned aginst the arm of her chair. "You know," he said, trying to be smooth, "I almost died today. I think you should give me a hug at least, because I've been so tramatized." **

**Lily didn't even look up at him. "No."**

**"Please?"**

**"No"**

**"Now?"**

**"No"**

**A minute later...**

**"How about now?"**

**"Yes"**

**"Really?"**

**"No"**

**She went back to ignoring him and reading her book. **

**James walked up to his dorm and dropped to his knees on the floor, shouting to the narrator.  
"WHY DO YOU TORMENT ME SO?"**

**The narrator's mighty voice rang out. "I didn't do it! I swear! She just hates you."**

**Hey guys, sorry it took me so long to update, I've been busy with school and stuff like that. I've also been busy with an actual book I'm writing and am going to get published. Well, anyway, I'll try to update soon. So, until then, Read and Review. **

**As always**

**Foppet1 **


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